객관

급작스레, "나는 연기자를 했으면 좆 될뻔 했겠다" 라고 생각이 들었다.

옛날에 드라마 연애시대에서 문정희(재혼하려는 여자)가 했던 대사가 있는데,

대충 이런거였다.

"이런 상황이 오면 저는 반응이 잘 안돼요... 화가 나던지, 울음이 나던지, 소리를 지르던지, 뭔가가 나와야되는데, 저는 이런상황에서는 어떻게 반응해야할 지 생각을 해요. 화를 내야 맞나? 아닌가? 마치 내가 내가 아닌 것처럼, 제 3자가 되어서 어떻게 반응할 지 명령을 내리려고 하는 것 같아요..."

상황이 어떤거냐면

감우성이 손예진(전아내) 이 자살하러 간 줄 알고,

아무, 그러니까 다른거 아무것도 안 보이고, 뒷 일이고 뭐고, 문정희한테 연락이고 나발이고 할 마음의 여유도 없이, 그냥 손예진 찾아간 거... 그래서 감우성 친구 공형진이 문정희를 만나서 이런 일이 있었다고 대신 이야기해주는 그런 상황.

이건 드라마를 안 보면 100퍼 이해는 잘 안가는 내용이긴한데...ㅋㅋㅋ

어쨌든, 문정희의 그 대사가 좀 많이 공감이 됐었다.

나는 맨날 객관적으로 바라보는 걸 좋아했는데, 나를 평가할 때도 그래야만 한다고 생각했다. 그렇게 맨날 객관적이고, 제 3자의 입장에서, 정확하게 바라보려고 했는데!!

저 말을 듣고나니까 그게 오히려 내 감정을 아는데에는 쓰잘데기없는 방법이었구나!!

나 자신의 감정도 바로바로 표출이 안되고 두뇌를 거쳐서 나오는데, 딴 사람의 감정을 어떻게 연기하겠나...?

 

노오력

재능과 노력
특별한 노력없이 지금껏 평균이상의 삶을 살았던 것
남들보다 조금 뛰어난 재능은 어쩌면 평균적이거나 조금 떨어지는 재능에 비해 독이된다.

천성적으로 유순한 성격
독기없이 승부욕없이, 이겨야겠다는 특별한 마음가짐없이,
하지만 무언가가 되고는 싶은 욕심.
그것은 분명 욕심.

경쟁에서 진 이유를 합리화시키는 근거.
남을 속이기엔 양심이 허락하지 않으나, 나를 속이는 것에는 꽤나 관대했나?

결국 이렇게 살다, 가는,
한 때, 위인이 되길 바랐던 평범한 소시민이 될 것만 같다.

피로하다,
피로는 열정이 없음에 기인한다.
나는 왜 열정이 없을까? 이렇게 촌스러운 질문을 스스로에게 던지기 참 싫다.

열정이 없는데 열정이 생기라고 말하면 열정이 생기냐?
그렇게 해서 없던 열정이 생기면 그건 원래 있던 열정이다.


치열하게 살던, 여유롭게 살던, 내가 좋으면 그만인 것.
그런데 나는 두개다.
치열하게 살고싶은데 여유롭게 살아지는 모순.
왜 그렇게 하고싶은데 그게 안될까?

공부하고 싶은데 공부하기 싫다.
이 말보다 더 정확한 표현은 없다.

괜히 애먼 내 천성만 탓하는 건가?

죽는 순간에도 왠지 인생 잘 산 사람 코스프레하면서 눈 감을 것 같은 느낌이다.

위기의 미학

약 한달여의 위기를 벗어나고 있는 요즘...
문득, 예전엔 이해하지 못했던 어른들 사이에서의 가치들이 나름의 이유가 있었음을 느낀다.

왜 그렇게 집을 사려고 하는지, 왜 안정적인 직장에 목을 메는지, 왜 경제력은 그들에게 높은 순위의 가치에 해당되는지...

결국 다 돈 이야기인가...? ㅋㅋㅋ

한국에서의 나는 꽤나 건방졌었구나~!

내가 누린 혜택들은 아예 생각조차 못하고
내가 열심히 사는 거에 비해 보상이 적다고 생각했고!!
고생한다고...적어도 편하게 살진 않는다고 생각했다!!!
그럼에도 불구하고 어른들의 속물적인 가치에 타협하지 않는다!!!! 라고 생각하며...
마음속으로 자부심을 가졌던 모양이다.
건방진 자식... 뭣도 모르고 꿀 빨았던거지...ㅋㅋㅋ

하핫! 부끄럽다

이렇게 또 위기는 나에게 깨달음을 선사한 것으로 포장해보도록 하자

으....

글이 잘 안써지넴...
옛날엔 뚝딱뚝딱 잘 썼던거 같은데...ㅋㅋㅋ

"계산가능한 야구를 하는 팀이 강팀이다." 로 시작해서
일상생활에서도 어느정도 예상가능한, 안정적인 생활이 되야 창의성이든 나발이든 튀어나오는 듯 싶다.
"하루하루 막아내는 생활은 정말 힘들다." 까지 딱!!

이 얘기를 풀어서 하고싶었는데... 자꾸 산으로 가는구나!@@@!!

내일은 풀타임이라 시간이 없을 듯 하다~

skipped diary last night

Worked full-time yesterday, finished earlier I've thought though.... haha...

Anyway... I need to write continuously to save my memory.
Not nice memory... actually.

 One day, I got a phone call in the morning from 유주누나. She said, So serious problem happened last night so need to talk together. I went to piccadilly branch. I heard that a stranger was there and looked for female boss to get back his money and said he will call a police if she won't appear. she has a lot of problems and showed news article about my female boss...

 The article said... the biggest fraud in korean society in England. CEO of academy (which help students to study abroad) siphoned money. That money should've gone to each college or dormitory that student would go. Estimated damage is over a billion won.

 Many victims and prosecution are still looking for her....
This is not the situation I can stay longer... I was working with a fraud.... I don't know exact whole story and fact relevance though... The one certain thing is that she is not honorable.
 So many conflictions came and went... Do I have to reporter her to police? If I don't report her, am I guilty?? kkkk Anyway... I couldn't stay longer there. I hated this ridiculous person, situation... Why am I suffering this? haa..... As I wrote before, job in this house was the worst, bosses are also out of common sense.
 I didn't get my second month wage, worried about that... I thought I might not get my wage... It is wired.... why should I worry to get my wage...? but this was a reality I was stuck in....
 I sent message to them. I need to get out of here. When you get back here, I will quit this job.  He looked peaceful at that time but after meeting face to face, just as expected, he got angry and scold me. The person had to get angry was me actually...
 In the end, I got my money though... he told me as if he gave me a mercy... haha...
I didn't want to argue with him... only want to escape there...
 There was no choice I had... I don't have much money, no house, no people to know!
In the meantime between a moment that I knew the fact and the time I left the house, maybe a week. I had to seek a new job, house and money!!
As I am thinking again now... It was imprudent... I had nothing in London. kkkkkkkkkkkk
 But I was sooooo happy after quitting there. felt easy, comfort and relax~!
Luckily I got a new job in new malden thanks to 태인.
 Now I am still poor... kkk because I didn't get monthly payment... they pay monthly....
I wanted to get weekly...kkkkkkk

10days later~!!!!! I will spend money a lot!!! Wait a luxurious life!!

so long story

Hmm... How can I say?

 Lots of different people live in the world.

 I believe all people have a good personality, there are always problems among the people though. The reason of appearing problems is because they only talk about each other instead of talking to each other.

 They have their own experiences, stories and histories. We don't know at all about these stuffs and just only blame, ignore and get angry.

 Because I know this point, I always try to understand people and stories behind people.... but I can't understand the way they live... hahaha...

 

When I knew that my male boss has a wife and daughter in Korea... I was shocked!

 I've never met those kind of situation. I thought he has a relationship with a female boss. Couldn't imagine... liaison.

 Hmm... It was so bizarre..... After I've known, I couldn't even conceive the idea of facing them as usual. But It was their story. I was trying to understand them... in emotional ways. Luckily, he left to Korea for 4weeks due to business things and his daughter's birthday... maybe.... also barely saw female boss.

 In the meantime, working conditions got worse and worse, free time(1:00~5:00) was unobeyed(?), customers suddenly came to hostel I've never noticed. I had to give customer my bed and sleep at a reception in another branch several times. 

 One day, a guy visited a flat and ask where is my female boss? she didn't pay a fine for illegal parking. one of my trivial job was getting a letter and bring it to bosses. there were lots of fine letter. 2~3 fine letter came everyday. this is real. I thought... wow... how can they live like that... I once opened it, It happened 4months ago... they didn't pay yet... anyway... the guy told me this is a last chance, if she wouldn't pay, all the stuffs in this flat will be taken by government.

ah.... so tired to write...kkkkk

Long time no see!

It takes so long time to come back here, my blog....
There were so many stuffs all the while though, actually, I have been lazy.
From now on, I decide to write diary everyday!! kkkkkkk this is not a lie.
Even a few lines, I will do that!!

Now, I am living in New malden, so many koreans live here and tell you why I moved here from King's cross.

I was working at a korean hostel(한인민박). There are so many korean hostels in London city. These are basically illegal, but it didn't matter.
I applied to a few hostels when I was in Ireland and one of them picked me. I thought I could enjoy london life~! but..... hmm.....

There are two bosses, man and woman, they seem like a couple.
My male boss was an overbearing guy. I don't like that kind of person though... it was okay. female boss was an idiot, always bite her nails, voice was the worst.

The more I work, the more I can feel that this hostel is unstructured and by rules of thumb. They are always late for appointment. It is always... literally... they did not abide even one appointment. 2~3 hours are cute.
They always recieved overbooking, customers had to move another branch everyday. Apologizing to customers was up to me.
 They don't seem to feel sorry to me, take it for granted.... I was really in amazement.
How... they can do that??
 The most funny thing was that they emphasize the rule! haha!!!
 Haa.... So many wrong things happened there. They supposed to give staffs money to shop groceries but they don't!! even after saying several times... so we should spend our own money. It once became over 300pounds. It nearly a month wage.
 One of staffs working at same place lent them money and didn't get back yet until now... for 4months(?)

I did my best to stand there, because I promised to work there over 3months.
B.U.T...
It happened!! the thing I couldn't help stopping the job!!